


What Would It Take?

by srawratskcuf (Doreen)



Category: Dredd (2012), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Image, Dubious Consent, First Time, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Painful Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Spit As Lube, Whump Disguised as Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 21:38:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doreen/pseuds/srawratskcuf
Summary: From this prompt:Techie is extremely insecure and doesn't understand why someone as built and hot as Matt could ever be into him. When it comes to sex, he's afraid that he won't compare to Matt's past partners and that Matt will leave him. The first time Matt penetrates him, he's nervous and underprepared and it's so, so painful but Techie doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to disappoint Matt.  Instead, he encourages Matt to keep going because it's obvious that Matt is enjoying himself, even if Techie isn't. This makes Matt get rougher and rougher because he thinks he's pleasing Techie, when he is really putting him in increasing pain. Matt was actually a virgin and Techie's worry about past partners is completely unfounded. Somehow Matt finds out afterwards and hurt/comfort ensues.





	What Would It Take?

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags and summary thoroughly. Matt does NOT intentionally violate Techie's consent: he is doing his best to read the situation given the intentionally inaccurate signals that Techie is giving off. Techie is too insecure to communicate his own needs. There is a happy ending but the subject matter could be really upsetting for some. I think the summary covers it all but if you want more information about the contents you can message me on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/srawratskcuf).

Techie knows he isn't good-looking in the slightest. In fact, people often tend to avert their gaze when he's near, not wanting to look into his fucked-up eyes or see the scar carved into his forehead. His hair hangs lank and scraggly around his face; he only keeps it long to hide his weird neck and ears. Once upon a time, someone told him they liked the color of his hair, and as far as he can remember, that's the only genuine compliment about his appearance that he's ever received. To be fair, his memory isn't the best, what with all he's been through, but it is what it is, and it's all he has now.

As if his face weren't bad enough, his body is nothing nice to look at either. He's got no muscle to speak of, and his belly is soft and bulges out slightly. His chest is bony, ribs poking out the side; his limbs aren't much better, though walking around the ship to complete his assigned tasks has caused his legs to bulk out just a little bit. Unfortunately, the mass they've gained only makes his hips look disproportionate and a bit feminine. He's a wisp compared to the Stormtroopers who've gone through hours of physical training. Even the other technicians are pretty muscular, having had to pass fitness tests, albeit with lower standards than the 'troopers. (Mercifully, Hux had waived Techie's requirements in order to rescue him.)

Yes, overall, Techie can completely understand why no one wants to look at him, much less wants to be with him. He can hardly stand to look in the mirror sometimes, to see the evidence of his time with Ma-Ma that he knows will be with him until the day he dies. It's actually pretty fitting, he thinks, that his body should look as damaged as his mind.

One upside to looking the way he does is that he's able to ogle most anyone he wants without getting caught. If they're not looking at him in the first place, they never notice when he's looking at them. He stares at men's bodies with open appreciation, wishing he looked like that, wishing he could hold and touch and feel someone close to him, taking care of him. He knows none of them have trouble finding a partner.

Even if Techie could get someone to see past his physical appearance, it's not as if he's got a winning personality. He doesn't have a bad relationship with any of his coworkers, but they're all much friendlier to each other than they are to him. He doesn't mean to be standoffish, but it's his nature. He can't trust anyone anymore. Even if his coworkers tried to include him more, he doesn't know what he'd say or how he'd behave, and deep down, he knows he will never belong. He tries his best to be polite and they do seem to appreciate the work he does, but he can tell that the mere sight of him makes them uneasy. And why wouldn't it? He's a freak. Anyone can see it.

He also has a lack of sexual experience. Maybe his terrible looks and skittish personality could be set aside if he were fantastic in bed, but he's never had the chance to be with someone like that. In fact, he can't remember the last time someone touched him in a way that wasn't gruff at best and downright cruel at worst.

He knows there are services to take care of his sexual needs for the right amount of credits. He's thought about maybe even blindfolding the person in order to ease the experience for them, to make it easier on both of them. Still, he hasn't resorted to that yet. Ultimately his desire for sex is just a front; what he truly desires is companionship and closeness, and he can't discard the tiny scrap of hope left in him that he will one day find someone who can at least bear to look at him while they're fucking. He's no fool; he's well aware that love doesn't happen to someone like him. Still, he thought just looking at him--even looking at the back of him--wouldn't be too much to ask, but as the cycles go by, he's realizing that maybe it is.  

One day, Techie's sitting in the cafeteria, picking at his food, when the most gorgeous man he's ever seen walks past the row of tables in front of him. The guy must be new because Techie is sure that he would have noticed this man before; how could anyone not? Whatever energy Techie exudes that prevents people from looking at him, this man has the complete opposite. How could anyone not want to stare at him all day? He's huge and domineering in the most irresistible way; his uniform is stretched over his broad shoulders and chest, and his hair is curly and golden like a crown on his head. Then his lips, oh god, they're full and perfect, set in a crooked jaw that's speckled with moles. And his eyes are dark and expressive, accentuated behind clunky wire frames.

And they're staring right at Techie.

 _In a second, he's going to look away_ , Techie tries to soothe himself, though he can feel his heart beating faster, panic already building. _He's going to look away from me and never look back. Any second now._

But he doesn't look away. What he does instead is walk straight over to the table where Techie's sitting, looking at him the entire time.

"Hey," the man says, setting his tray down across from Techie. "Uh. Can I sit here?"

"W-what?" Techie stammers. He can't believe this is happening. This _can't_ be happening. Before this moment he was a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly fine. Now, his whole body is burning with shame and embarrassment of having been caught staring, and of being stared at more intensely than ever before. There's no malice behind the way the man's looking at him, although his intent beyond that is impossible for Techie to discern.

"Alright if I sit?" the man reiterates. He extends a hand towards Techie, "I'm Matt. I'm a radar technician. My first day. Are you new too?"

"I-I'm Techie," he takes Matt's hand and doesn't answer his question. His hand is huge, but he grips Techie's gently, shaking it slowly. Techie kind of never wants to let go.

Matt winces as he bumps his knees against the table, sitting across from Techie and still staring at him intently. Techie has returned his attention to the tray of food in front of him, pretending to be very interested in his mashed vegetables. Maybe if he pretends Matt isn't there, he will get the message and go away. The entire population of the rest of the ship has gotten the message to leave him alone; what's this guy's problem? The rest of the tables are a little bit fuller than Techie's, but it's not as if there are no other open seats. Techie liked him much better when Matt's attention wasn't all on him, making him want to melt out of his skin. He'd just drip through the seam in the floor, away from overly-attractive Matt and the hundreds of other people seated around the room.

"Uh. Have you ever seen Kylo Ren?" Matt starts awkwardly. "I heard he's on this ship."

"No," Techie tells him. "I try to just keep my head down. I d-don't interact with many people."

He hopes Matt will take the hint, but Matt continues, "I heard Kylo Ren is shredded. I heard Kylo Ren works out every day."

"Oh, really? Interesting," Techie says disinterestedly.

"I work out every day too," Matt boasts. "Some people say I look like Kylo Ren."

"Hmm." Techie can definitely see that Matt works out every day, and he can kind of see a resemblance to Kylo Ren. Between the two of them, Techie's not sure who has the most muscle.

"Do you not like Kylo Ren?" Matt sounds a little aggressive.

Techie is quick to respond, especially knowing that Kylo Ren can read minds and kill people without touching them. "He's fine! I have no problem with him! Big fan!"

"Good," Matt nods. "So. What do you like to do for fun around here?"

"I j-just work and eat and sleep. I… I used to be a slave. And in a gang, sort of. It's been hard, getting used to things how they're supposed to be." Then he adds, "I'm not complaining. Just still in a long adjustment period. Knowing my time is my own is leisure in itself."

"That's awful. I mean, that you were a slave. Not that you came here. It's good here. I've been in the Order since birth, on a bunch of different ships. This is definitely the biggest I've been on, though."

"Yeah, I like that about it. It's easy to keep to myself. Everyone assumes I already have other friends, so they don't try to get to know me much. But I like being alone."

"Oh." Matt's face falls, as it finally dawns on him that Techie is an intentional loner. "I can go. Sorry. I'll go." He moves to get up, but Techie reaches out to touch his wrist. He doesn't really understand why Matt's paying attention to him, but he also doesn't want him to leave before he can figure it out... 

"No! Please stay. I'm sorry I'm like this. Bad at talking. I like having company sometimes. It's okay. You can tell me more about Kylo Ren."

"All right," Matt grins, and Techie spends the rest of the meal period listening to Matt wax poetic about Kylo Ren's physique and speculating about his exercise routine.

 

&&&

 

After that first day, they fall into a habit of eating together every time they're scheduled for gamma shift, which is more days than not. Matt doesn't seem to talk to other people, which makes Techie strangely happy. Out of everyone else on the ship, Matt is choosing to spend time with him.

Matt tends to dominate their conversations, and Techie is more than fine with that. Now that he's started to believe that Matt has no ill intentions towards him, it's actually pretty refreshing to have someone who is eager to talk, in contrast to most people who try to keep conversations with Techie as concise as possible.

"So then, Kylo Ren turned and looked right at me. I almost dropped the bar," Matt is talking animatedly about his most recent gym encounter. "And he nodded at me! And smiled!"

"Really?!" Some of Matt's stories seem a bit overexaggerated. It's hard to imagine Kylo Ren smiling.

"Yes, I'm telling you, Kylo Ren acknowledged me. It was amazing. He's so ripped. I wish you'd gotten to see him too. Then you'd believe me. He was really there!"

"I do believe you! I mean, obviously you both work out…" Techie can feel his cheeks getting warm, imagining Matt shirtless and sweaty and exhausted, but he continues, "Maybe Kylo Ren enjoys the company."

"Do you think I should talk to him? I could ask him for some tips. We could be gym buddies. His body is like, perfect."

"I don't know… he doesn't seem very approachable. He might be annoyed…" Techie seriously doubts that Ren wants to be bothered during his workout, much less become friends with Matt. Ren doesn't seem to have any friends at all, nor does he want any.

But what if he does? What if Matt and Kylo Ren become close friends? Something unpleasant curls in Techie's stomach that has nothing to do with his bland lunch. Matt would definitely choose Kylo Ren's friendship over Techie's, no question. He's all Matt talks about anyway. And then where would that leave Techie?  

"You didn't see how he smiled at me, though. I'm gonna try it. Next time I see Kylo Ren, I'm going to talk to him."

"Hmm, okay." Techie says noncommittally as they get up to take their trays back. He selfishly hopes Matt never runs into Kylo Ren again.

 

&&&

 

"So I spoke to Kylo Ren." It's a week later, and Matt looks completely dejected.

"How was it?"

"He told me to leave him alone. Said 'I'm not your friend. Go away.' So I guess I have to work out in a different gym now."

"It's okay. You don't need him," Techie makes rare eye contact with Matt. "You have me."

"Really?" Matt looks surprised. Techie doesn't see why he would be; it's not like either of them have anyone else. (And he's grown to like it that way, though he definitely can't admit that to Matt.)

Techie takes a bite of his greens to stop himself from saying anything else too emotionally revealing or foolish. "Yeah. You do."

"Oh. Okay." says Matt, eyebrows raised. "Well, I guess, you too."

It takes a second for Techie to realize what Matt means, but when it clicks, he smiles. He doesn't know when the last time he smiled was, but maybe he's never smiled this big in his entire life. Matt grins back at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling behind his glasses, mood completely turned around.

Techie reaches across the table to place his hand over Matt's, and they stay that way for the rest of lunch, even though Techie has to eat with his non-dominant hand. It's worth a few dropped bits of food to feel the warmth and comfort of Matt's skin against his.

 

&&&

 

In spite of being rejected, Matt still seems excited to talk about Kylo Ren. They've taken to sitting side by side at the lunch table, thighs touching, while Matt talks about Kylo Ren sightings and potentially trying to sneak back to the gym where he'd seen Kylo before.

"It was just inspirational to watch him, you know?" Matt says around a mouthful of food. Techie nods and Matt continues, "Don't you think he's attractive?"

"Yes," replies Techie honestly, "he's hot. But he's too scary. It's a look-but-don't-touch situation."

"Do you think we look alike?"

"Oh. I guess, a bit. Especially, um, in the shoulder and arm area..." Techie glances over at Matt's bulging bicep then quickly looks away. He doesn't want to make Matt uncomfortable. He can't help it that Techie is hopelessly attracted to him; it has no bearing on their friendship, anyway.

"So you think I'm hot too?"

Techie nearly chokes on his sip of water. "What?!" Could Matt read his thoughts? Does he know all the perverted things Techie has imagined about him?

Matt's still looking at him intently, waiting for an answer. Most people might have been embarrassed by now, but Matt seems to have no hesitation.

"...yeah," Techie mumbles. He can't even look at Matt right now.

"So," Matt says, slightly apprehensive. "Uh. That's cool. Hey, um. Would you wanna come to my room tonight?"

Techie can't deny that he wants to say yes, but he's extremely nervous. Is he just a way for Matt to distract himself from Kylo Ren? Really, he should just be thankful that someone like Matt would even proposition him at all.

"Okay," he says. He doesn't want to lose Matt as a friend, and he definitely finds Matt attractive. It doesn't have to mean anything. He can just do his absolute best to make Matt happy. "Sure."

 

&&&

 

Techie is beyond nervous as he approaches the door to Matt's quarters. It looks identical to the hundreds of other doors in the same hallway, but knowing that it's Matt's makes him tremble a little bit with anticipation. Will he be able to please Matt? Will Matt be able to see past his many flaws? Will they still be friends after this?

When the door opens, Matt's standing there smiling. "Hey," he says. Is his voice lower than usual? He reaches out to grab Techie's wrist and pull him inside.  

As soon as the door to his quarters slides shut, Matt presses Techie against the wall, handling him roughly. His lips are plump and warm and wet--too wet. He's sucking at Techie's closed mouth in a crude approximation of a kiss. His fat tongue prods at Techie's lips, and Techie doesn't want to make him stop completely, so he opens up, hoping that this rough start will turn itself around. Matt nudges Techie's legs apart and Techie can feel his huge hard length rubbing against his own dick, which is not even half-hard yet. His overeager hips pin Techie's into place so that even if he wanted to rut against Matt in return, he couldn't.

"Fuck yes, Techie," Matt moans against his lips before his tongue plunges back inside. 

Matt's tongue is sliding against his now, going in deep, pressing against his soft palate, and he's grunting and moaning like he can't get enough. Techie's trying his best to breathe steadily and disguise the sadness that's welling up inside of him. This is his first kiss; this is how he'll always remember it, for better or for worse. His nose is pressed against Matt's cheek, smelling of sweat and mechanical grease. Matt hadn't even bothered to clean himself up before it was time to have his way with Techie. He could almost cry over it, but he knows he should be feeling grateful that anyone wants him at all.

His hands roam over Techie's waist, around his back. "You're so soft," Matt mumbles when he pulls away from Techie's mouth.

"Mmm," Techie hums, and not wanting to hear Matt describe more of his shortcomings, he presses his mouth against Matt's again. His body is nothing like Matt's idol, Kylo Ren, and it's a little cruel of Matt to remind him of that, especially in such an intimate moment. But, Techie supposes, the moment probably isn't all that intimate for Matt. A guy that looks like he does probably hooks up with someone new every week. 

Matt resumes his clumsy, brutish kissing, while Techie tries to imagine that Matt is someone who truly cares about him. He'd thought Matt was a friend, but the way he's touching Techie isn't very caring or delicate. In the cafeteria, when they had touched legs or held hands, Techie had always thought of it as a friendly and intimate gesture, but maybe it was all just a precursor to sex for Matt, just a means to an end. Has their whole relationship just been for this? Was Matt only being nice to him because he knew Techie was desperate for any attention or affection?

It only makes him want to cry more when he realizes that the one thing Matt seems to like about him right now is his ability to get Matt off. He's never had someone who cared; Matt was never that person, so he doesn't even know what it would feel like to begin with to be cared about; it was all a lie. He always imagined they'd hold him sweetly and kindly, quite unlike the way Matt is holding him now, and they'd whisper sweet nothings into his ear while taking him apart slowly. But like so many other things in Techie's life, the reality is much less kind.

Techie presses his hips back against Matt's, seeking friction. In spite of how lonely this encounter is making him feel, he doesn't want Matt to know it. If this is going to be his first time, he'll make it good for the other person, at the very least. The last thing he wants to do is under-perform. He moans into Matt's mouth in encouragement.

"Bed," Matt grunts and leans away from Techie.

"Okay," Techie says, crossing the small room. He takes his clothes off, then turns around to see that Matt has done the same. His body is perfect: hard planes of muscle, smooth skin, a spattering of moles and freckles.

"Wow," Techie doesn't have to fake his attraction to Matt. Though the emotional connection isn't there like he thought it was, his body is still far more beautiful than anyone Techie has ever imagined himself sleeping with, like a holoporn star. His cock is fully hard and absolutely huge, the pink tip of it already shining with arousal. Techie is half-hard and gives himself a quick stroke, trying to make his body match Matt's enthusiasm.

"You're _tiny_ ," Matt tells him as he places his hands on Techie's waist. They nearly go all the way around, and Techie feels that pang in his chest again; these comments about his body just seem so unnecessarily mean. Sure, he's no Kylo Ren, but Matt must want him on some level or he wouldn't have invited Techie to his bunk. He shivers, and he's not sure whether it's from being nude in the cold room or from the hurt that's swelling inside him. But even if Matt isn't satisfied with what he sees, Techie wants to do everything within his power to make him _feel_ satisfied. No one has ever wanted to sleep with him before, not even a little, and for all he knows, no one will in the future. This might be all he has, and he's determined to make it the best possible. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be good enough for Matt to want him again.

Techie wraps his arms around Matt's broad back, stroking over his muscles, running his fingers up through Matt's hair. He presses a kiss below Matt's ear, sucking gently at the skin there, and Matt moans in pleasure. 

"Want you to fuck me," Techie whispers. "Put it in me, I need it." He kisses Matt on the cheek, then on the mouth, then on the collarbone before lying back on the bed.

Matt's gaze wanders over his body, expression unreadable. Techie can't bear to meet his eyes, so he just looks at Matt's dick, dripping precome. It's intimidating to imagine how it's going to feel inside him. Matt's staring at Techie's face now, trying to meet his eyes. Maybe Matt is expecting something else from him, though he's not sure what it could be.

Then it hits him. Matt doesn't want to see his face during sex. And why would he? Sometimes Techie can't even bear to look at his own face in the mirror with its indelible reminders of his time in captivity.

Techie rolls over onto his stomach and spreads his legs.

"Come on, Matt, give it to me," he pleads. Techie's had plenty of experience pleading, so he's sure Matt will never be able to sense the utter sadness that's been looming over him this whole time.

"Are you sure?" Matt pauses, "Don't we need lube?"

Techie spits into his hand and reaches back to rub it over his hole.

"There," he says, "I'm ready." He tries to relax his body in anticipation.

"Really? I don't want it to hurt…" Matt trails off. He's not touching Techie anymore. Did he change his mind? Did he realize Techie's not enough?

"Yes," Techie says in what he hopes is an inviting tone. "I'm ready. I need it, please, Matt."

"Okay," Matt replies. "If you're sure…" He leans down to kiss between Techie's shoulder blades.

"Come on, come on." Techie wiggles his ass for emphasis.

He feels the press of Matt's cockhead against his hole, and then Matt is pushing in ever-so-slowly.

It _burns_. Techie feels like he's being ripped open, and he's terrified he might be bleeding. He can't let Matt see him bleed; it will absolutely ruin the moment. Unless...

"Harder," Techie says, trying to cover all his bases. "Make me bleed. I like it rough."

"Oh yeah?" Matt pulls out a little and shoves back in. The stretch isn't so bad this time. Techie tries to zone out and wills himself to relax.

"Kriff, so tight," Matt curses, and then devolves into grunting out sounds of pleasure, speeding up his shallow thrusts. Techie tries to think of the last time he was planetside, waiting on the beach for the rescue ship. The waves had been so gentle, so perfect. He pretends he's there, on the beach, with someone who loves him, and tries to ignore the mounting pain of his hole. He has no idea whether he's bleeding or not, but it definitely feels like it. It hurts so much, but Matt seems to be enjoying himself, so Techie lets out a needy whine to spur Matt on.

"Yes, Matt, more! Harder!" shouts Techie.

"You like that?" Matt asks as he thrusts in further.

Techie cries out, trying to disguise his pain as pleasure. He doesn't really like it, but Matt clearly  _is_ liking it, so he says, "Fuck yeah. Love it. Fuck me, Mattie, fuck me, fuck me!"

Matt's sweaty chest is pressed against his back, his breath ragged in Techie's ear. His cock his stretching Techie so wide but Techie feels far removed from it all. Matt seems to be getting a lot of enjoyment from his body, and Techie is proud to be the cause of that, regardless of the havoc being wreaked on his own.

"I'm close," Matt warns him, and moments later his body tenses and Techie feels his release inside.

When he pulls out, Techie shudders, Matt's semen stinging Techie's raw hole. Matt is lying next to him in bed, though Techie's face is turned away.

"Do you want me to take care of yours?"

Techie freezes. He can't show Matt that his cock is flaccid, can't let him know how much pain he's in right now.

"No, no, it's fine. T-thank you. I'll see you around." He gets up off the bed, taking care to angle the front of his body away from Matt. He bends over to pick up his clothes, not realizing that he's showing Matt his used, sore hole.

"Oh shit, Techie, are you okay?" He hears Matt start to get up and hurries to put his shirt on.

"It's fine!" His voice is shrill, but he continues, "I l-like it this way! I've got to go, I'll see you!" he chokes back a sob as he's slipping out the door. He hears Matt shout, "Wait! Techie, wait!" but Techie's already halfway down the corridor, practically sprinting.

When Techie gets to his own quarters, he cries with his eyes that barely produce tears. The memory of his name on Matt's lips only makes him sob harder.

 

&&&

 

Techie starts avoiding the cafeteria at the hours he knows Matt will be there, choosing to eat at the end of his shifts instead now. After their disastrous liaison, Techie doesn't think he could bear to see Matt again. All he'd wanted was to make Matt feel good, but even that had been ruined by Techie's weakness. The tone of horror in Matt's voice afterward erased all the pleasure he'd been able to draw out of Matt during the act.

The ship is huge, and he doesn't work in the same area as Matt anyway, so Techie is able to successfully avoid him for quite awhile. He tells himself that Matt is avoiding him too or likely has transferred ships anyway, and does his best not to nervously glance over his shoulder at every turn. Whether it's from hope or dread, he's not sure.

The days drag on. Techie resumes his solitary existence of working, eating, and sleeping. Sometimes he gets himself off to the thought of Matt's beautiful body, the way his muscles rippled under his skin, the flush on his cheeks as he had ground himself against Techie.

It's nearly four months until he runs into Matt again, in the corridor outside his own bunk, of all places.

Matt is hunched over the panel in the wall, cursing under his breath. Techie wants to run, but he's frozen at the sight of him, still undeniably attracted to the sheer breadth of Matt's body, the curls of blond hair at his neck, the flex of his huge arm muscles. Techie feels a stab of disappointment that he will never have the opportunity to touch Matt again. If only Techie hadn't messed things up so badly, maybe they could have ended up as friends, even if Matt did find his body inadequate.

"Stop fucking watching m—Oh!" Matt cuts himself off when he turns and sees that it's Techie.

"Kriff. Techie. Oh my god," Matt looks like he's seeing water for the first time after being stranded in the Jakku desert for weeks. His relief is palpable, and the smallest bit of Techie's anxiety melts away.

"I wanted to say--" Matt begins.

"Matt, I'm sorry!" Techie interrupts. His heart is racing. He can't blow it this time. Matt was the closest thing Techie's ever had to a friend. "I'm sorry I was so bad!"

"What?!" Matt looks angry. He's standing up now, huge and intimidating, although Techie can't tell whether it's intentional.

"I'm sorry I ruined it!" Techie's nearly shrieking, and he can feel himself nearing the verge of sobbing. Why can't Matt accept his apology? They never have to sleep together again, but surely they can become friends since it seems like Matt is willing to talk to him?!

"What?!" Matt repeats. "You have nothing to be sorry for! I'm the one who needs to apologize. For intimidating you into having sex. For hurting you. God. I know I can't ever make it up to you. I'm so sorry. You don't have to forgive me. Just know that I will never forgive myself." He holds eye contact with Techie for a long moment before looking back to the ground in shame.

"Matt, no," Techie steps closer to him, places a hand on his arm, "that's not how it happened at all! You didn't do anything I didn't ask you to do. It was me who messed it all up. I just wanted it to be good for you, and in the end, it was still terrible. I was trying my best! Please, c-can't we still be friends?"

He's gripping both of Matt's arms now and trembling a little bit. Matt tentatively adjusts them both to pull Techie into a soft hug. It feels safe and secure, and Techie can feel the tension leave Matt's body.

"I've missed you so much, Techie," Matt whispers into his hair. "When you didn't show up to the cafeteria for so long, I thought you'd left the ship."

"I thought the same thing about you," Techie confesses, "I didn't know if you'd want to see me after I was such a d-disappointment, so I started eating later."

A pair of Stormtroopers approach and Techie pushes himself away from Matt so as not to cause a scene. Public fraternization is extremely frowned-upon.

"My room is right here; do you want to come in? To talk in private." Techie opens the door for Matt.

When they're both seated on the bed, Techie isn't sure what to say. Obviously they had both misunderstood each other, so now it only makes sense to be fully honest with Matt, but the thought of that feels impossible to Techie.

So instead he says, "I'm sorry I'm not like Kylo Ren."

Matt looks more confused than ever. "What are you talking about? What does he have to do with any of this?"

"I just mean, I'm not attractive. I'm not ripped like him. Or like you. And I knew you were turned off by how I looked, so I just wanted to please you in any way I could! Even if it hurt."

"When did I say you weren't attractive?! I would never say that!"

"But you did?" Techie feels sick just thinking of it. "You told me I'm thin, and soft, and I know you're into guys who look like him and I didn't even know why you wanted me in the first place!"

As if it hadn't hurt enough the first time, it's horribly exasperating to try to explain to Matt what he already should know. But Matt looks shocked.

"You misunderstood me! I love those things about you. I love how different our bodies are. Fuck, you're the most beautiful person on this ship! The most beautiful person I've ever seen! I want to be like Kylo Ren, not be _with_ him, at least, not like that. The only one I want to be _with_ is you! In fact, you're the only one I've been with at all!"

"On this ship?" Techie asks. His heart is still fluttering from Matt complimenting him, though he's not sure whether to believe it.

"Ever! In my life!" Matt's nearly yelling and his face is red with embarrassment. "That was my first time!"

"How?! Looking like you do! You could have anyone!"

"Just because I work on my body doesn't mean I'm any good at socializing. I'm pretty terrible. If that isn't obvious. I scare most people away. Kriff, I thought I'd scared you away too."

Techie scoots closer to him and presses their thighs together. "It was my first time too," he admits in a barely-audible whisper.

"What!??!" Matt looks completely devastated by his admission. "God, Techie, that's… I'm so sorry. I thought you were taking what you wanted, when you thought I was just taking what I wanted. Fuck, we're both stupid."

His arm wraps around Techie, and Techie rests his head on Matt's shoulder.

Techie sighs, and Matt holds him even tighter. "I really like you, Techie," he says in the quietest voice Techie's ever heard from him. "Do you think you can give me another chance?"

"Of c-course; I missed you so much! You're the only person who's ever wanted to spend time with me," he turns to hug Matt fully and mumbles, "I like you a lot too."

The urge to kiss Matt is undeniable. Techie tips his head up to face him and brings one hand up to caress the back of Matt's neck. Matt is holding perfectly still, staring at Techie like he's some kind of savior, and Techie moves to kiss Matt softly, closed-lipped and sweet. He kisses the corner of Matt's mouth, his chin, both his cheeks, the center of his forehead, while Matt keeps his hand on Techie's lower back.

"Matt," he murmurs, "Do you want to stay here tonight? We don't have to do anything. I just want you close to me."

"Yes," Matt rubs his shoulder gently. "I need to finish my shift. But I'll be back right after."

"Okay," Techie kisses his neck. "Hurry back." He stands to walk Matt to the door, hardly believing his luck at how this all happened. Just when the despair of losing his only friend had fully set in, Matt came back to him. And now Matt wants to stay with him, to hold him through the night the way Techie's always dreamed someone would.

 

&&&

 

In the time before Matt returns, Techie takes a shower. He looks down at his body as the water runs over it, still scrawny and pale as ever, and yet somehow Matt thinks he's attractive, _beautiful_ even. He can't quite bring himself to believe it, but he really wants to. Matt's gaze on him was such a foreign feeling -- instead of flinching away like he had at first, Techie had come to enjoy the attention and the way it made him feel normal. Fitting in and feeling needed is all he's ever wanted but never thought he could have. But maybe he does now, with Matt.

Back in his bunk, he stares up at the ceiling, waiting for his hair to dry, waiting for Matt to return. Minutes tick by and apprehension floods back into Techie's mind. What if Matt decided Techie isn't worth the trouble? After all, Techie had avoided him and not tried to resolve anything. And who would want to be with an ex-slave anyway? How could Matt want to be part of his life when Techie can barely do anything but work and eat and sleep? Why is Matt even interested in him at all as a friend, much less as a lover?

The doubt continues to build until he's quietly crying into his pillow, not sure how much time has passed. He knows he will never be worth anything to anyone except the First Order; his work is all he has. Matt may like him now, may even want him now, but how long can it last? He will grow tired of Techie; he will find someone more beautiful and sexually experienced and emotionally available and just _better_. It won't be hard to find.

Matt's shift must have ended a while ago. He must have changed his mind. The thought of Matt in his own bunk, maybe curled up with someone new, is so painful to Techie that he starts weeping again. His eyes are too fucked up to produce many tears, but his nose is dripping with them and he feels even more disgusting than usual.

Techie's thoughts are still racing and his nose is still running when the door buzzes. He tries to school his face into a neutral expression, hoping Matt doesn't realize he's been crying in bed this whole time.

Relief floods through Techie like a gulp of warm cider. Matt is back. Matt is dressed in casual clothes: a tight grey t-shirt and soft black sleep pants.

"Hey!" he begins cheerfully, but immediately notices Techie's red and blotchy face and his tone shifts to one of deep concern. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Matt!" Techie's thin facade of stability cracks and he sobs, pulling Matt into his arms and inside the room. "I thought you wouldn't come back."

"What? I wouldn't lie to you. I just had to shower and change. I'm sorry I took so long. I'm sorry," he rubs between Techie's shoulder blades, trying to soothe him. "Shhh, it's okay. I'm here now. I'm here now."

Techie sniffles as he pulls away from Matt to sit down on the bed. "Fuck, I wish I wasn't like this. I wanted to be perfect for you, Mattie."

"Techie, you already are." Matt sits down besides him, runs a hand through his halo of golden curls before pulling Techie into a one-armed hug. "I don't know how to make it up to you from what happened before. But I'm going to. I swear."

Techie nods, snuggling closer against Matt. He's so solid, so warm and real. This closeness is beyond his wildest dreams.

"Are you tired?" Techie asks after a while of just being held. He's trying to stifle the emotions that are threatening to overtake him yet again, and sleep seems like the best solution, so he moves over to pull the blanket back so that Matt can lie beside him.

"Yeah," Matt rests his head on the pillow next to Techie and kisses his temple. Techie moves down the bed a little bit so that he can press his cheek against Matt's chest, right next to where his heart is beating.

Techie wants to tell Matt how much he needs him, how he thinks he might be in love, but he doesn't want to scare him away. Instead, he drifts off to sleep to the rise and fall of Matt's breathing, held tight in Matt's huge arms. It's safe and warm like nothing he's ever felt before, a security he didn't know he was lacking, for once not doubting whether he's enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely pleased with how this turned out, but I wanted to get it in by the deadline. This was unedited, so apologies for any errors or plot holes. I will likely make some major edits sometime down the line. I'm also considering doing a follow-up chapter of soft sex. So, let me know if you'd be into that. Thanks so much for reading!


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